By Havilah Steinman Bakken (Follow us on LinkedIn)
I’m going to say something controversial: I don’t know how to break up. My first boyfriend is now my kind husband. I don’t have any EXes that live in Texas. So, I don’t know how to break up with my previous jobs either.
I’m in my early 30s and have experienced several career pivots. This is indicative of my generation statistically. Millennials are twice as likely as baby boomers to switch careers.
I know how to move on from a job to a better one. I know how to build my career and how to set up our finances for the future. Each time I’ve pivoted it’s been for new skills, better benefits and salary, etc. What I’m talking about is a little less Type A. I’m saying that I don’t know how to break up emotionally with my job.
Unfortunately, it’s becoming far more likely in this job climate that once you give notice, your employer will decide to terminate you prior to your notice date, or on the spot. Put another way: they fire you. This shocked me because I assumed once I was in a specialized career, and moved above entry level positions, I would be protected from this.
Generally, in the US, there’s not a protection in place for the employee in this situation. And unfortunately, as costs continue to rise for employers, your benefits could also terminate the day your employer decides to separate/fire you. It doesn’t make financial sense for an employer to continue to pay for an employee once they’ve decided to move on. This is completely different in other countries, where notice periods are required and protections are in place.
There’s tons of literature on why it’s more expensive for an employer to replace an employee through recruitment and training. Unfortunately I’ve found that even with that information out there employers would just rather the employee move on if they are unhappy. There’s definitely logic in that too.
But what is the cost of this? And why is separating from a workplace such an emotionally taxing thing? Why does this have to be such a negative experience from the employer and the employee’s perspective?
I would argue that the majority of the time people leave their job, it’s because they don’t believe their supervisor is invested in their success. They either have a bad relationship with them, can’t trust them, or have difficulty communicating. This is especially true in remote positions, where you have the barrier of not being in the same place.
What if it would be okay for an employee to outgrow an employer? People move and change all the time, I think it makes sense for that to be reflected in their career also. Couldn’t this interaction be: I’ve found something better suited to my passion and skills, please be happy for me? Maybe this is too much to ask. Maybe the cost to the employer is too great. But if that were true, wouldn’t the manager be more invested in keeping the employee in the position?
More so – I’ve made strategic steps in my career and I have been incredibly open and honest with leadership each step of the way. This candor cost me something. I end up labeled as self-centered, or accused of not being a team player. This was shocking to me, but maybe it shouldn’t have been. And once I end up at the next workplace, where I fought and planned so long to get too, it’s hard to throw off the patterns of survival that were self taught from these types of interactions.
Another aspect of work life balance I’ve struggled with is the huge emphasis put on self reliance. I’ve reached a point in an employee/supervisor relationship where I’ve simply asked too many questions, and felt that people tire of me. So I bottle everything up, and try to figure it out on my own. And in a new workplace I question: have I used all my question equity up? Have I bothered them too much? When will I stop being an exciting new person?
Put another way: Is it okay to speak up here? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I offend someone? What if I make a mistake? They say their door is open, but is it really? Are people actually kind, or is this just the honeymoon phase of a new job?
This is what I mean when I say I don’t know how to break up with my job. I know how to drop off my equipment. I know how to write a letter of resignation. I don’t know how to let the painful things go, and take the skills with me. It stays with me, like a mark. It colors my interactions when I’m apologizing even though I don’t know why. I’m in a new place, taking on a new opportunity, wanting to enjoy a fresh new start. And that transition is a painful one.
People leave jobs for all kinds of reasons. The process of leaving for something better, when possible, should be a positive one. If employers value loyalty, that trust and candor needs to go both ways.